"For he on honey-dew hath fed, and drunk the milk of Paradise."

Cue the triumphant fanfare, let loose the confetti rain, and release the anal sex donkeys.

That's right, kids, your old pal JC has landed himself in what is the sweetest situation of which he had ever dared dream.  I may be sitting on the same old beat-up office chair, typing on the same substandard Compaq lappy, and drinking the same horrendous fountain soda from the same stupid job...but it's all in a brand new setting.  Some of my oldest and bestest pals from way back in the grade school days offered me a spot in this magnificent five-bedroom house, and I couldn't accept quickly enough.  Added to that are the insanely low bill payments from splitting home expenses five ways, the convenient placement of necessary facilities (discount bulk grocery store across the street, auto repair shop next door, discount liquor store one block away), and the general awesomosity of my dearest friends, and you have what can only be sorely understated as a winning combination.

I find it difficult to express the magnitude of sweetness this place encapsulates.  Our freezer (and we sprung for a fatass fridge/freezer) is jam-fucking-PACKED with an assortment of very large liquor bottles, and more are being added every day. The whole house is being wired up with cat-5 lines which will serve all-purpose Internet duty, as well as handling our frat-party-grade sound system and fun toy intercom, super speed local server network, and who knows what else in the future.  There's a decent pool table in the living room, and markers are laid for the installation of a full bar in case of wicked party emergencies.  None of that Beermeister bullshit, either.  We're talking true tap(s).  There are also many many game systems and funtastic dvds located in our den, which is the all-purpose entertainment center for all things that are not violent and physical.  For those things that ARE violent and physical, we descend to the basement for heavy-duty exercise and practice on the impromptu shuriken/knife-throwing range that has been the source of many laughs in its short time as our favored house entertainment.  My roommates include a gearhead, a fitness guru, and a computer geek, so I've pretty much got all my professional bases covered, and the guy who is running our financial show is easily one of the most trustworthy and honest people I've ever met.  Last but not least, this is the first time in years that I haven't had adjacent neighbors imposed on my home, and certainly the first time I've been old enough to enjoy the freedom.  I can finally yell and play and fight and fuck as loud as I want to, and none of the other guys care because they're all doing it too.  And it is good.

Okay, so it's not all shits and giggles.  We've still got a lot of work to do setting the place up (that bar in the living room isn't going to build itself), and the big move has left a fair number of errant boxes strewn about our many rooms.  There's also the little matter of this being a clean house, no illegal substances whatsoever within these walls...but that's okay, since I needed to cut down anyway, and I can still indulge a bit at work, which is the only place I really need Mary Jane's nerve-derattling embrace.  The only other gripe I have at this point is that I'm in the bottom 50% of our collective female-attracting ability, so I'm more often than not stuck as the hapless observer as the more mojoriffic fellows conquer sticky-icky after sticky-icky.  But hey, I've been putting up with that for about a decade, there's no real need to get worked up over something I took so long to grow out of between high school and college.  Besides, the aforementioned fitness guy is putting us all on strict HIIT and weight training regimens, so my physical attractiveness will do nothing but improve until my hair finally falls out, and being muscular and bald isn't anywhere near as bad as being fat and bald.

So yeah, this is where my life has settled for now.  It's the beginning of my Freedom Time, the point I missed out on by passing up on real college, and for a while I had feared it lost forever...but no more.  Soon all the catch-up work will be done, and my overall stress levels shall bottom out to a point they have never ever in the entirety of my 23 short years been.  What might happen then is a mystery to me, but I hope it will free my mind to focus on creative pursuits previously unattainable.  All but one of my friends here are D&D players, so they'll probably be interested in any projects I cook up, and boy howdy, do I have some projects on the drawing board...perhaps the legendary Grand Imperium shall finally see the light of day.  Oh, what a trip that would be.

Ah well, all of this is just pissing away time until Starcraft 2 comes out.  Then my life truly begins. =P

Good day, sirs and madames, I trust this fine Summer afternoon finds you all in good spirits.  Me, I'm simply whiling away the hours between shifts, putzing around on the ol' laptop when I should be asleep.  Y'know, if I go to sleep right this very instant, I could still get a full 8 hours and get into work on time...not that I'm going to, but I feel obligated to highlight my self-destructive behaviors as they are performed.  Kind of a self-inflicted punishment to remind myself that I'm screwing off and making my situation worse, but I still do it anyway.  Oh, when will he learn?

But enough of the brooding, let's get on with this thing so I can get out of here.  Little has changed over the past few weeks.  Some of my friends are actually showing a bit of initiative in the house hunt, giving me hope that I'm not the only one serious about improving our lives.  I'm still not too keen on the idea of living with such heavy smokers, but I believe I've got the self-control to keep myself from going too far overboard...oh wait, I forgot about everything in the previous paragraph.  Meh, maybe it'll be different next time.  Stranger things have happened.

Oh, I don't think I've ever mentioned it here before, but there's a woman I work with who bears a fair resemblance to another ladyfriend for whom I feel quite affectionate, and I just recently discovered she might be cheating on her husband.  Now, I know it's not my place to comment on this, but damned if that doesn't get under my skin.  Why do people even get married anymore, anyway?  It's obvious that the commitment to matrimony is waning at a rapid pace, if it's even at all present in Western civilization anymore.  On top of that, I got to hear periodically over the course of the night how this guy was "so hot" or that guy was "incredible."  There's nothing wrong with the occasional roaming eye, believe me, but I can't help thinking she's on the prowl all night.  Now, what possesses a person to suffer the bonds of marriage if they know they're going to slip those weighty shackles and go astray?  Or perhaps these individuals didn't know themselves quite that well, in which case they weren't ready for marriage just yet.  In any case, seeing this affair has my feathers a touch ruffled, and I apologize for my unpredictable morality.

It's not just that one incident that has my mind stuck on infidelity, either.  Dear Brittany has been spending some time with me lately, and without going into the gruesome details, I'll tell you that certain lines have become more than a bit blurry.  I wish I would stop encouraging her, but it's practically a reflex to her mere presence, and her asking for massages and often making suggestive remarks doesn't help, either.  Correct me if I'm wrong, but she went and found a real boyfriend so she wouldn't have to suffer the emotional distress over being half-involved with me, so why does she keep getting cozy?  It's all too much for a simple hippy to bear...can't I just love indiscriminately and be loved in return, or are those days vanished forever?

Oh well, at least Gekkeikan still loves me.  So do [adult swim] and Sid Meier, God bless 'em.  Life isn't all bad.


PS: For those not in the know, the title refers to my current time-waster of choice, Resident Evil 4.  TE VOY A MATAR!!

Yes, yes, I know, it's been ages since my last update. You people knew what you were getting into when you decided to show interest in what goes on in my life, you knew that I can't follow a regular schedule of updates to save my life.  Of course, if there were more frequent and interesting occurrences in my day-to-day, I'd probably make it a point to write about it...but I don't like mixing things up, so the burden of entertainment will have to fall on your shoulders, gentle readers.  Come on up/down/over to Jersey and wreck up the place, and I'll be sure to give you a blurb right here on my illustrious quasi-periodical.  I'm sure that's the big break you've been waiting for your entire lives.

Okay, enough ridiculousity.  Despite my long absence, there isn't all that much new business to report.  By leaps and bounds, the greatest event in the past few months was the termination of my workplace's general manager, who was replaced with newbie mgmt and the glorious return of assistant manager and professional geek Jon.  I tell you, there's nothing that makes the long hours fly by quicker than randomly spouting non-sequitur quotes from various television shows and movies, or vigorously debating the optimal weapons loadout in Resident Evil 4.  I tell ya, work is *this* close to being fun with that guy around, and I salute him for it.  On top of personnel improvements, the former manager (who thought I was on her side during the whole ordeal, when in fact I played Switzerland the whole time) had been buttering me up with frequent raises, which have honestly made this job worth enduring now that it's the highest wage I've ever made.  Of course, it's still chump change in relative terms, but it's a personal best, and any relief I can get from the constant grinding agony of desperate poverty is more than welcome.  Oh, sweet green balm for my near-fatal wallet wounds...how I have yearned for thee.

On to more personal matters.  The old gal and I are on good terms again, though she's got an honest-to-goodness boyfriend now, so our meetings and partings are pleasantly courteous and free of most fluid discharges.  Went to see Spiderman 3 with her last week, which would've been great if I hadn't fallen asleep during the big climactic clash.  Sadface.  Other than that, not much to report...still no luck picking up random sluts for brief bouts of satisfaction, though I admittedly haven't been trying to get any.  I tell ya, I can't wait to move out of my current apartment and into somewhere less stifling.  Once that deal goes down, I'll finally have the emotional and financial freedom to honestly seek a committed relationship the way I want to, complete with lavishings of flowers and free dinners and maybe a fine piece of blingery here and there.  Only the best for my as-of-yet mythical lover.

Not much else to report, honestly.  As I hinted earlier, I've been playing the hell out of RE4 lately...gotta get that laser cannon if for no other reason than I've never seen a laser used to kill zombies.  Gorillas, yes, and that was pretty cool, but hot laser on zombie action just plain wins.  I've also tried my hand at Guitar Hero of late, and I can see how it got to be all the rage with the kids these days.  The game is addictive, and there's the added motivation of trying to catch up to the skills of my two friends, who are working through the setlist on Expert difficulty with Hyperspeed enabled.  I tell you, they are not fucking human.

Okay, that about does it.  I'd love nothing more than to promise I'll be back soon, or that I'll update more often...but I think we both know that's a complete load.  In any case, I *will* return sooner or later, and I promise you'll get another screenful of my ridiculous nonsense on that most hallowed of days.  Until then, ta~

Salutations, all.  I'm back again after the usual hiatus to offer my usual dry report on what would typically be an uneventful month, but I'm afraid I actually have something to say this time, and it's not quite good news.  I'm sure most of you are aware that I've been fooling around with one of my coworkers for the better part of a year, now, and that she has very strong feelings for me.  Well, last night they got a bit stronger and totally reversed polarity, as I came home from work to find a voicemail from her stating she never wants to talk to me again.  Now, I think you'll indulge me this bit of self-flattery when I say I've been nothing but good to her.  I never did anything that would warrant such a sudden and drastic bridge holocaust...at least, not to my knowledge.

But then, that's always a difficult issue for us men, knowing that at any moment, we could inadvertently say or do something that will instantly and irrevocably destroy a romantic relationship and never know what happened.  I'm sure you guys know exactly what I'm talking about.  Anyway, that's all that was on my mind for now.  Until next time, stay frosty.

I have changed.  Before you, where once stood a simple man, there is now a paragon of masculine achievement, a sort of 'super-man' if you will.  I have transcended the mean and menial pursuit of single women and attained that which is sought by so many and captured by so few.  The holy grail of horny bastards is finally mine.

That's right: two women at the same time.

Not much else I can say past that, except that I also gave the newcomer her first orgasm ever.  Well...it was a group effort, but I can at least take partial credit, and that's a service to humanity.  Just had to put that out there, I'm telling everybody.

booyakashah